


did it to myself

by da_vinky



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Juno Steel Has a Thing For Teeth, Juno Steel Needs a Hug, Other, Past Character Death, Sad Juno Steel, benten is also mentioned, buddy and rita are mentioned but not actually in the fic (sadly), nureyev coming in with a whole monologue, set somewhere in s3 but nowhere specific
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:34:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26945242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/da_vinky/pseuds/da_vinky
Summary: Juno wasn’t often one to get insecure.No, that was a lie. He was just so consistently insecure that it dulled into something almost manageable.
Relationships: Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel
Comments: 10
Kudos: 90





	did it to myself

**Author's Note:**

> title from 'did it to myself' by orla gartland
> 
> cw for:  
> \- mention of weight/scars insecurity  
> \- insecurities in general (about his relationships and belonging mainly)  
> \- implied depression/disordered eating  
> \- lots of grief

Juno wasn’t often one to get insecure. 

No, that was a lie. He was just so consistently insecure that it dulled into something almost manageable. 

His scars, his weight, his eye… His smile, his aim, his laugh. There were endless things to worry about, so why bother at all? Why not just let it run its course like a goddamn steamroller? 

Or, at least, that had been his approach until he met Nureyev. The first person who could make him feel normal since… Since Benzaiten. 

Nureyev had gotten good at recognizing the signs. During the bad times, when Juno would only pick at his food and wear the same clothes for weeks, Peter would come and just… tell him he loved him. Over and over, until it stuck. 

“You’re a marvel, Juno Steel.” He’d whisper, his mouth usually so sharp dulled with sleep and love. His teeth would poke at his bottom lip, and Juno would kiss him. “The greatest thing that ever happened to me, indeed.” They would laugh, and fall asleep to the thrumming of the Carte Blanche around them. They would fall asleep warm, comfortable and so in love it almost ached. 

And tonight… tonight was bad. 

It was the anniversary. Juno never stopped thinking about Benten, but this night was always the worst. His brother… He had always been the attractive one, even though they were identical. Ben was just brighter, louder, more outgoing… he was supposed to be the one who got the future, not Juno. He was supposed to live. 

Juno curled himself tighter into a ball. That grief was so goddamn determined to flatten him like the aforementioned steamroller that he didn’t even hear the door to his quarters slide open, or Nureyev’s delicate footsteps as he walked up behind him. 

“... Darling?” 

“Uh huh.” Juno replied, his voice muffled by the blankets. 

“You’re not going to tell me the truth if I ask you how you are, are you?” Peter said, the little smile audible in his voice. God, he deserved someone so much better than Juno. 

“No. But I’m… managing. You don’t have to stay, Nureyev.” 

“Of course I have to stay, Juno. What kind of gentleman leaves his lady love alone in his darkest hour?” He chuckled, the bedsprings creaking as he sat by Juno’s feet. “Talk to me, my love.” 

“It’s, uh. The anniversary.” 

“The anniversary of wha- oh. I see. Oh, Juno…” Nureyev replied, voice dropping to a murmur as he realized. Even that little bit of sympathy… It meant the world. Peter reached for Juno’s hand, lacing their fingers together. He was cold. 

“Yeah. Sorry for missing the family meeting.” He laughed bitterly, squeezing his hand. “It’s rough, you know? It’s been years, but it’s still… It still sucks.” 

“I understand, dear. I really do. Is there anything I can do? I could get you some water, or leftovers from dinner?” 

“No, I’m fine. It’s just… Ben had so much potential. I was just starting at the HCPD and he had a scholarship for dance… Schools were fighting over him.” Juno said, smiling slightly. “He would have been much better on this mission than I am. He wouldn’t constantly clunk everything up.” 

Nureyev shook his head, pulling Juno up into a sitting position. The look on his face was one Juno didn’t recognize. It was fierce, but not in the way it looked when he fought. It was almost desperate, almost pleading. “I didn’t know Benzaiten, but I will tell you right now, Juno Steel, that nobody could replace you on this mission. You have been an integral part of every single stage. And I really do hate to get sappy on you, darling, but if he was here instead of you, we’d both still be miserable. Or at least more miserable than we already are.” He said, taking his other hand as well. “Grief… it’s a terrible thing to deal with. It isn’t linear, it isn’t predictable. Grief is cruel and nostalgic and a damn good spy… And it’s also a liar. It’ll tell you things so outlandish and horrible and it will make you believe them. ‘It was my fault, I should have cared more… It should have been me’.” 

“Nureyev- Peter, I-” 

“Shush now, darling, I’m monologuing. The point is, Juno, that it doesn’t matter who would have been the best person for this job. As Buddy so eloquently reminded us on the first day, none of us are the best at what we do. But I do know that Rita wouldn’t be here without you. Neither would I, at that. Even if you were wrong for this, we are definitely right and we wouldn’t be here if you weren’t. And even further, you are excellent for this. We have assassins, spies, masterminds, Rita, but that only covers so many bases. We need people who can think on their feet. Logical people, experienced people, unshakeable people. Like you, my love. We need you, and I need you.” Nureyev finished, taking a breath. Juno decided not to point out the slight shakiness. 

He wrapped his hands around Peter’s. They were just so goddamn cold… “I don’t know what to say, Nureyev. Should have become a motivational speaker instead of the galaxy’s best thief, huh?” 

Peter exhaled, a smile blooming across his face and making those strikingly sharp teeth just out over his lip. “But where’s the fun in that?” He asked, reaching out a hand to cup Juno’s cheek. It was something Nureyev only did when he was tired or couldn’t help himself. He called it a guilty pleasure but Juno just called it adorable. “So are you sure you’re okay, Juno?” 

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m good. For real, you don’t have to worry about me. I mean- it’s not gone. But a little better, I think. Thank you for sticking it out, and for monologuing at me.” 

“All in a day’s work, dear. And like I said, what sort of gentleman would I be if I left my lady love alone at his darkest hour?” 

“I wouldn’t call this hour my darkest. You should have seen me when I was into punk music… I put on eyeliner. On my own. It didn’t look great.” Juno replied, smiling, as he tugged Nureyev forwards to lie back down with him. He complied easily, pressing his cold limbs into Juno to suction his warmth. 

“Please tell me you have photos.” He laughed, tucking his head on top of Juno’s. “If you’d like me to teach you how to apply it I’d be happy to.” 

“Nah, that’s alright. I’ll just have you do it for me.” Juno teased, closing his eyes. He was tired. He seemed to be constantly tired these days, and having Peter’s even breaths and soothing hands right there definitely wasn’t helping. He reminded himself that it was okay to fall asleep here, in his arms. It was alright to be happy even when Benten couldn’t be. It’s what he would want, and even if it wasn’t, who was he to try and stop him? 

“Goodnight, Juno.” Nureyev whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. 

And you know what? It was.

**Author's Note:**

> hurt comfort really is the only valid genre, huh? 
> 
> also if you leave comments i'll boop my cats' little tiny noses


End file.
